I have been wanting to write a book for a long time. About my life. Lots of people I talk to say I've had it hard. A few others have said I have a Jerry Springer life. Lots of my memory is in blocks, one memory will lead me to another one. I feel I have forgotten many things.I plan on blogging some of my memories and randomly posting them. Some day I might put them in a book. This is one of my father, One of many I want to write about him. I cant remember what my father looks like unless I find a picture. He died when I was five years old.
I remember that night well Its one of the only memories I have of my father. I was in my bedroom with my younger brother he is 22 mos younger then me, and my grandfather. I remember my mom screaming, but I'm not sure if she did or not. I know she told me to stay in bed and she got my grandpa up. I just sat their I had no idea what was happening. The rest of my memories of that night are blurred. I think I remember a white sheet, and crying. Then my memory skips to the funeral. I only remember a flag, the one my mom received. The rest of my memories form that time are from photos, apparently we took pictures with my half brother and half sister Olin and Misty. I did not see them again till I was a teenager. The other memories I have of him are from stories that people tell me of him, I then form pictures in my mind of what it must have been like.
Our mind is an amazing thing. I'm sure if I were to remember more of that very night I can drive me crazy. When I do think of my fathers death, it makes me wish he did not die and that he was here. I don't know what its like to have a father he was taken when I was so young. Sometimes I dream or wish that , that night never happened. What I do wish is that he was alive and just decided not to be with is and run from mom. This to me would be mean towards my mom but it would give me the hope that some day daddy will come back and want to see me. But I know he was my dad and I know hes dead and where he is now means he can never come back and see me. My dad was the first person in my memory to have died. He is one of many I miss.
3 comments:
(Preface: I am an ex partner of hers. We were together for over 8 years. This is new to me.)
Korena,
In all of our time together, I wish you had shared this with me. For the readers of this blog, know that for korena to write this here...she is truly baring her soul, and thus...this is a true blog, not some gibberish written by some poser.
I can identify with many of your insights, but must name you lucky in one aspect: your age.
Many of your memories of that night your father passed are hazy at best. That is to expected at such a young age. Be thankful. It doesn't make it right, but perhaps a little easier...if anything along this line must be considered "easy".
I heard my first death-rattle at 19, my mother's. It haunts me to this day. I struggle with alcoholism because of it.
You on the other hand are the shining example of a ship plowing through a storm. Sure you have difficulties, but truth be told I wish I could be more like you...to endure..to persevere, adapt and overcome. I truly believe that there isn't an obstacle you cannot overcome.
I was there the night he died and i remember korena and david just sitting there not really knowing what was going on. trudy,,korena's mom took me and our othter sister, charlotte aside and told us she may be pregnant,,, with heather ! my first thought was how was she gonna do it? korena grew up fast...too fast i think...sometimes our relationship hasnt been the best but now we are good friends not just aunt and niece,,,she is a strong woman and i admire her in more ways then one. i have seen the shit she had to endure and it has made her who she is today.
Thanks Aunt Bonnie. I have had a crazy life and I do think I had to grow up fast. But its made me a better mom with what I have been through.
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